Time

Rising in the sun, a giant dragon fly cruises the fir tree. Overhead, the clouds are piled in fluffy confusion, billowing white across the blue sky, being blown slowly by the wind. The sun comes and goes, playing hide and seek amongst the clouds, warming me as I walk home from the bus stop, considering life in general. Around me time is passing by, minutes into hours then days. I can remember, as I'm sure we all can, thinking as a child that time just seemed to drag by. Days went on for what seemed like years. Years seemed like decades. Now, as I get older and each year becomes a small fraction of the ever-growing whole, time spins by faster and faster, like a freight train gaining speed. Each day I wake up, another day having gone by. And I hardly take any time to reflect- on time. Each minute, babies are being brought into the world, pink, wideeyed and full of life. Each minute, people are being taken away, cold, stiff and dead. Taken possibly too soon, or too late to matter. To someone, each minute is monumental and each minute means nothing at all. To someone a minute means life or death. To someone a minute is inconsequential.

Maybe we could all do some good if we treasured time a little more. The moment I saw the dragon fly today, I recognized that moment as special. A scene that nobody else witnessed. My own personal moment. And as time flies by, carrying me away from that instant, I look back and wonder. What is in front of time? What is behind time? And where does it go?

Train of Thought

Late Friday afternoon, I decided to jump on the training bandwagon of my rugby team this year, and head up to the park and try our fitness routine. It was pouring rain, and the gusts of wind were driving the rain at a hard angle, as I changed into my cleats and hit the field. Huffing and puffing my way through the workout, I began to get lightheaded, and momentarily considered passing out to beat the pain. Eventually, I started to think about myself, as I usually do when I have nothing better to do. And in the middle of the deserted field, being pelted by rain and wind, weazing and out of breath, I had an epiphany. I am composed of two people.

After some thought, I gave my two internal persons names: Crazy Self, and Zen Self. Crazy self is irrational, impulsive, insecure, shy, self-depreciating, neurotic, scatter-brained, lonely, impatient, sad, depressed, tired, nervous etc. Zen self, on the other hand, is calm, collected, cool, intelligent, patient, friendly, self-assured, confident, strong, empathetic etc.

As I thought about my two selves, I began to think back to all the problems I have had in my life, and how my two halves have had actual conversations inside my head. It's strange, but it's true.. So last night, I began to write down some of these actual conversations. I will eventually publish them in my blog, but for now this is my introduction. :)

The Hellmester of Stress

So school has once again started. As I was sitting in my cramped little wooden desk, in a tiny, sweltering room listening to the professor speak in a monotone, I had a thought.. I haven't been in an in class lecture in about a year and a half. I can hardly believe it.. So, that also got me to thinking, maybe I have forgotten how school is supposed to work. Either that, or my semester really is as hard as I think it is, and I really do have as much work to do as I think I do. Case in point, today is Friday, two days into the hellmester... oops I mean semester, and I have been doing schoolwork for several hours and am no where near making a dent on the cascading pile of reading that I have to complete by Monday. Compounding my problem, is the fact that every time I open a school book, I am overcome with an urge to sleep. So, as I am two days into the semester, and overwhelmed completely, I am dubbing this the "Hellmester of Stress." This is halfway through my third year of studies, and I have never ever encountered a semester so deserving of the title. So.. Good luck to me. Good luck to the world. Goodnight bowl of mush, and goodnight moon. (If you know what that's from, mad props!)

Life...

As human beings, why do we feel the need to challenge ourselves? While some people can be happy with not being challenged, I think the vast majority of people seek some sort of challenge in life. The degree to which we do so varies, but the goal does not. Wouldn't life be much easier if we could just complacently go through the motions of living, breathing, eating, sleeping and functioning?

Now I am sure, there are all kinds of studies out there telling us why we do such things. But on a personal level, I wonder why I feel the need to achieve the levels I set out for myself. I always create lofty goals, perhaps far loftier than others around me... I have friends that always look at what I'm doing, and suggest in hushed tones that I may be crazy. These people just don't understand, that in order to be satisfied, I have to be accomplishing things that a relatively small number of people have done before. I feel the need to be different, to chart uncharted territory. I feel the need to be under stress, to accomplish the unaccomplishable. Every hurdle I climb over, no matter how slow and arduous the process, adds to my character. I firmly believe, whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger. Every experience, bad or good, is part of life. Life is what it is, nothing more and nothing less. If we wish away the bad experiences, than life has been invalidated.

Super Powers

Who hasn't considered what super power they would want if they could have one? Most people pick flying, or being able to time travel, or something equally as unattainable to humans. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have a super power like that. BUT I would personally choose a more functionaly super power, to help me in my day to day life.

I work in retail. And I hate it. I'm not made for retail. I hate selling things to people, I dislike interacting with customers all day, and I despise the monotonous long days, filled with repetitive tasks. So, my super power? I wish I could sleep standing up with my eyes open. Wouldn't that be great for passing time at work? Especially in retail! I can only imagine how many shifts I could catch up on sleep during.

Searching

It occurs to me that we are all searching for the same thing. No matter how different we think we are from each other, we are all inextricably linked in our search for happiness and fulfillment. What differs is how we go about achieving our goals. Outwardly, I am a very patient person. I don't over react to people, I tend to spend a lot of time making sure that everyone is happy around me, everyone understands what is going on. Inwardly however, I am extremely impatient. When people don't understand things or lack common sense, I get fed up very quickly.

Lately, I have been trying to transfer my outward patience into my internal workings. How so? I attempt to look at each person, and see what they are about. Everyone comes from a different place, and everyone has a different perception of the world. I tend to get annoyed with people and how they act. But, I realize this. So I am making an effort to observe more and judge less. How can I scorn what someone is doing, if it makes them happy? How can I put down what they are doing if it doesn't harm anyone else? That's all anyone can ask for, to make themselves happy. So, I need to keep this kernel of thought in mind more.

Everybody is the same. Everyone wakes up in the morning, and looks in the mirror, starting out the day as themselves. But as the day wears on , people interact, leaving bits and pieces of themselves and taking bits and pieces of others. Nobody asks to be judged, nobody deserves to be told not to pursue happiness. And yet, this is what we do to one another each and every day, day in and day out. Scorning the undertakings of others, looking down upon other people. How would the world function if everyone could be happy?

How indeed.