All that you can't leave behind...

Oh boy, has my mind been busy lately. I have been reading a lot of philosophical what is the meaning of it all type books. I have also been keeping my ear to the ground and trying to decipher things within the greater context of life and the world. I know this probably won't make sense to anyone but, it has got me concerned.

Why is our society intrinsically flawed? After much thought I have come to the conclusion that society doesn't work, it will never work, and it has never been working. For any of you who have read Daniel Quinn's "Ishmael" you will know what I am talking about. Our society is a craft, and currently we are in free fall. Right now we are so far up that we don't notice the ground rushing upon us. We are reaching that point however, when we start to look around and realize that instead of gloriously flying, we are plummetting to our deaths.

How do we fix this craft? I do not know. I wish I did.... And I am not sure that any amount of begging or explaining will change our doomed society. Maybe not doomed tomorrow or in the next 100 or 200 years, but eventually. How dare we live a life that we know will destroy the planet for generations down the road-not just of humans, but of all the species of animals that we are wiping out with our actions? How dare we live a life that is unhealthy for ourselves, our fellow humans and our planet?

If our society is not flawed, then how come so many people are unhappy? How come people are forced to slave away at McDonald's for minimum wage while their children raise themselves at home in an apartment? Why do we grow enough food for more than the world's population yet half of us are starving-and the other half is unhealthily overweight? And why is it that the majority of people do not see this flaw, and if they do they do not seem to care?

You've got to leave it behind All that you fashion All that you make All that you build All that you break All that you measure All that you steal All this you can leave behind- U2, Walk On

Hermit-hood

Is it wrong or strange, that I have no problem envisioning myself as a hermit? It's not that I don't like people... But to be honest, I can see myself living by myself, or with a loved one, up somewhere in northern Canada. Just me, the stars, the trees, the lakes and rivers. Me with my pen and paper, me with my sketchbook. In thinking of all the different lifestyles I could have, that vision is one that I think about often and the one that brings me the greatest peace.

I can entertain myself quite easily. I have talked to different friends about this, and they agree that while most people need things or others around for their own amusement, I have no problem creating amusement out of thin air for myself (Case in point: writing, drawing, reading, etc.).

Recently, I spent some time living in a small town. At night, I loved to just stand outside staring at the billions of stars, the moon hanging above the faint outline of the mountains, feeling the cold breeze as it swept up off the icy river. Coming back to the city, I can remember sitting by the beach on a beautiful spring night, watching the stars emerge, all one- two- three- four- of them, the rest cut out by the glimmering lights of the nighttime city.

Don't get me wrong, there was something so innately beautiful that night, of the city, the bridge, the sparkling arm of the ocean. I can appreciate all kinds of beauty, urban, suburban or rural. But home for me is solitude. As a small child, I can remember always saying "When I grow up I want to live in the forest."

In the meantime I want to travel the world to areas populated and unpopulated, cosmopolitan and primitive. But when I finally settle down, I hope that I follow my original dream and make my home near the eagles, fish, elk and bears instead of the traffic, streetlights, and highrises.

Create

I want to create, create like the sun that
As I write, streams through the grey-brown clouds
Rimmed in gold, woven, spun gold
Each drop of rain
Rain that fell, rain that fell in sheets
Each drop glistens gold, quivering in the slight wind
I want to create, create like the night that
Will fall very soon
Fall as a curtain does on the ending play
Velvety, and black
I want to create, create something that
Exits me like a river
Flowing, and ebbing
Past mossed boulders, dragging in v-shaped ripples
Flows easily and unquestioned,
Briefly held in my mind,
Then is released...

Blue World

Blue world. The world between day and night, light and dark. Those moments before blackness when the world takes on an indigo hue. The concrete, the sky, the trees and cars all look like they are blue. Inside houses, the warm lighting begins, and people start arriving home from work, but outside, blue world continues.

If an alien arrove from another planet, what would they think of this alternate universe? And what would they make of the fact that no one seems to notice the transcendance from day to dusk, by blue way? There's something about blue world that promotes antisocial behaviour. It makes weary workers shiver and tuck grim faces down past their upturned coat collars. It makes people quicken their pace, and wish for home. Blue world permeates the city like a disease, sweeping the buildings, pushing the crowds home.

And then, darkness falls. Black world arrives.

Public Speaking, Nightmares Come True

Now, I don't have a problem with public speaking, per say... I have done my fair share of it, in front of large groups of people. However, it all depends on the subject matter. If it's a subject that I am enthusiastic and well-informed about, then all is well. However, I have this class at university this year that is terribly elitist. It's very interesting, but the whole semester I have felt like a small child who stumbled into her parents meeting, or possibly a person who cannot swim, who has just fallen off a bridge.

Anyways, we had to give a 15 minute presentation on a topic we were researching, then stand through 10 minutes of questions and challenges. All well and good, my presentation went fine (thank you Power Point!) However, once we hit the questioning, my ship started to sink. The questions were actually pretty easy, but I just clammed up. And as soon as I clam up it's over. I remember looking into my mind for an answer, and all I could see was a blank wall. I began to stutter, and the more embarrassed I got, the redder my face turned, until I must have looked like a mumbling tomato. I could tell the class was starting to feel sorry for me, and as I looked around I saw pity in their eyes. Some looked at me with half smiles, and encouraging looks, silently wishing me along, others asked me some easy questions so I would have an out and be able to save my dignity. But alas, the vicious ball had started its rolling, and my presentation was not to be saved. Finally the professor, with his encouraging and pitying smile, allowed me to sit.

Burning with shame, I made my way back to my seat. All I could wish was magically, for a flask of whiskey or vodka to appear in front of me, so I could take several long swigs, and then ram my head repeatedly against the desk.

Why wasn't I given the gift of the gab?

That was and is my worst fear realized. Not public speaking, but public speaking about something I don't know about. Then being torn apart.

My How Time Flies

Right now I am caught in a vortex. What kind of vortex you ask? Wouldn't I like to know. I feel like I am spinning somewhere between the past and the future, one foot on either side of the divide. I am floating through the possible and im, through the light and the dark.

Only a short time ago, and what is time anyways? I had no words left in me, nothing coming out of my fingertips as they lay motionless on the keyboard. Now here I sit, and my fingers fly, writing words my mind has yet to know. In my heart, I feel that I need to move on, I need to experience change greater than a change of clothes, greater than a new semester at school, greater than a new bar or club. I need to be out in the world experiencing, living, creating, knowing.

And this revelation brings me full circle, to where I was when I began my blog.

Recently, I have felt like I am on a karmic upswing. All these little things started going right for me- I'm getting my first poems published, doing well at school, making new friends. Small things to the outsider, big things inside the control of my world. My life, the pendulum path, in constant flux. When will the pendulum fall? When will I be back in the valley?

Anyways, these are just some of my musings. As always, the urge to write overwhelms the urge to not, and inevitably the words come spilling out of me, pouring through any opening not seen and held.